How Do I Know When I'm Ready...?

...to try again?

I'm feeling worn down, and I'm not really managing everything as well as I should be.

But, I'm enjoying my interactions with the teens I work with on a daily basis.

So, are we ready for a new placement?

Boy, did I ever need a break!

I haven't even been able to read or write on the topic.

I think part of it is that there's not much I can say that I'm allowed to say and the issues are extreme enough that I fear my anonymity would be lost were I to share actual details.

But, there's also an odd cycle of guilt and anger.

I do not think that we did anything wrong.
I do not think she could have survived long-term in our family regardless of when we'd learned what we learned.
I do think that we did everything we possibly could.
I do think that we have the ability to be successful foster parents.

but...

we did not reach her. And nobody else is likely to try again.

It's a sad way to begin this journey.

We've been thinking about when we'll be ready for another placement and what we're feeling ready to accept and there are some ideas that younger might be easier. But, I also think that we do have something to offer to a teen who is the right fit that won't necessarily be found elsewhere.

I'm wishing that my emotions could catch up to my logic.

A Response -- Who am I?

If you don't mind, I had a few questions. How old are you? What do you do for a living? You said you worked with teens, but in what capacity? You say "we" — are you married?

Crayon -- I don't mind you asking questions, but, my answers may not be too satisfactory.

Although I enjoy interacting with people online and have had friends in my life whom I've initially met in the strangest places (on a Subway platform in a large city, on a bus in a foreign country, etc.), I can be very reserved about the sharing of specific details.

So, I am old enough that I could have had my own 15 yr old and young enough that I still dream of possibly succeeding in my quest for bio-kids.

I am married and we said to each other numerous times this weekend that we didn't know how single parents could survive. There were two of us and we involved outside emergency personnel as well but we're still absolutely exhausted. I am thankful for my partner on a daily basis -- I'd just about given up on love when I finally found it right in front of me.

I work with teens in a variety of contexts. I've gathered significant work experience with kids aged grade 6 - 12 and limited experience with kids in grades 1 - 5 and undergraduates. Right now I work predominantly with (about 100) 11-17 year olds.

Thank You

I appreciate the sentiments. We do seem to be getting the same message from everyone we talk to. So, logically, I believe that I did everything I could. But, it's still emotionally very challenging. I get it...a 15 yr old who doesn't want to be somewhere can really do a lot of damage and cannot really be forced to stay.

I was surprised by how calm I managed to be within the midst of it all -- I would have expected myself to react more. But, somehow I just kept saying, "I will not be the next person to reject this hurt child." Sadly, in the end, not being rejected was something she couldn't handle.

Thank you for the additional support.

Working with teens is always hard, but, fostering them is apparently going to require a new level of expertise. Hopefully, our next placement will go better.

Did I Fail?

I have so much to say and so little I probably can say in this forum.

The crux is that A asked to leave after discovering that she couldn't convince us to kick her out with escalating behaviour.

So, on the one hand, I feel like I did well because I passed the tests and didn't reject her despite some pretty extreme attempts to force us to. On the other hand, I feel like I failed because she's gone and it appears that the behavioural escalation wasn't really a test, but, rather an illogical approach to getting what she wanted.

I also can't help but feel that it was a tip of the iceberg scream for help and I don't know if she's going to get that help now that she's gone back to a place where they invest less direct energy into caring specifically for her.

Oh God!

So many things to say and so lacking in a way to say them.

In short:
- I totally get why people like to start with infants and why it's hard to find foster homes for teens.
- I feel rather lied to about A's history and completely not supported by the system that told us we were getting into a shared parenting experience.
- We've said (many, many times) that we will NOT kick her out, but, she can choose to ask to leave. But, my goodness it's challenging to keep saying the same thing and just keep absorbing more and more problematic behaviours.
- So many bad decisions in such a short period of time and such extreme behaviour that I'm completely out of my depth.
- Exhausted because we decided that we couldn't allow ourselves to both be asleep at the same time.

Feeling Better Today

I think there are still issues and I don't really feel like we've solved anything. But, I'm feeling better and more confident today.

I hate confrontation and getting started with it all felt really hard. But, the reality is that we are expressing concern, telling her we care, etc.

She responded to things by doing more homework last night than I'd seen in a week. Let's hope my confidence lasts through the next issue/test.