Longer than a comment should have been...became a post

Thanks for the response.

Sadly, in our jurisdiction, truancy is now ENTIRELY the parents' problem. The schools are required to have a certain number of teaching hours, but, the students are not required to attend. However, if they don't attend, they don't pass and the parents have failed to fulfill their responsibility of getting them there. (I.e. I can't pass it back to the school and truancy officers.) I can email the social worker (whom I believe wouldn't appreciate a skip-day) and try to make her get involved. There are also supposed to be people she can refer us to...in fact we were told that the referral had been made, but, we haven't heard from anyone.

I do agree with you about the control issue, though. We've tried very hard to give her lots of control over things, but, she's having a hard time seeing it. I think if I were to do it all again (which I'm sure I will someday) I'd start with more rules so that it would be easier to relax them. Instead, I feel like we have to pull them in...after all, when we said that she could be in control of things we qualified that she had to make sure school happened.

I do like the idea of thinking of chores as something to earn though.

And, I think that the planned skip day (perhaps with my DW since my work would not appreciate it) would likely scare her into wanting to go to school. (She's not such a big fan of spending time with us -- she'd like to ignore our presence.)

She says she likes the cat, but, she's been ignoring him tonight too.

Info In

Two missed classes -- an entire afternoon skipped.

Me: Why weren't you in school?
A:
Me: Where were you?
A: Around.

I said more while she avoided looking at me and tried to ignore that I was talking.

Is anybody reading? What do I do? How do I make someone (who says that they like school) go to school?

How much can we hope to accomplish at a time?

She skipped at least one class today -- waiting to find out about others.

She didn't get up in time to eat breakfast, make lunch, etc.

She's not cleaning up after herself, leaving lights on, etc.

She's not doing any chores.

I kind of get it. Nobody's ever really pushed her on these issues before AND they are clearly good ways to push us to prove that we're willing to keep at it. BUT, can we really try to make it all happen at once, or, is that just piling on the "punishment". (I don't really think it's punishment to be expected to eat breakfast and lunch, but, she thinks it is.)

I also don't get how to deal with the dichotomy between "I like school" and regular skipping. Why does she skip if she likes it? Is it a test for us...how long will you keep caring; will you really consequence me if I fail? Or, is it a test for the teacher...do you care enough about me to follow up on a skip? Or, is it a test for the social worker...will you send me back to a group home if I screw up in the foster home? Or, is it just that she's coming apart at the seams and needs someone to catch her as she falls. (Or, is she just a teenager making stupid decisions?) So many possibilities!

How do I know what to do?

Sometimes School Assignments are Thoughtless

Why would you tell teens that they are likely to have a job similar to that of their parents? I mean, I've worked with enough kids who felt like they'd be failures if they didn't become doctors/lawyers like their parents -- I'm talking here about kids who I knew would never get there -- but, it's suddenly even worse when you're looking at a smart kid who comes from a family with issues.

We need to do a better job of thinking about where our kids may be coming from!

Getting There

A actually asked for a lift today and is willing to be picked up. It still seems a bit like we're taking her somewhere I'm not convinced is a perfect "hang-out" place, but, at least we're being allowed to know where it is without it being told it's a crazy request.

I have my moments where I think we're going to be able to do this well and she'll ultimately be truly part of our family (as in she'll consider us family as well) and other moments where I think we'll continue to be foster parents and to take teens and pressure them in ways they don't like, but, they'll still move out as soon as the social workers let them.

We did talk about the fact that she's allowed to stay in care until she's 22 and that the fact she CAN walk away at 16 doesn't mean that she should. Ah well!!!

Feeling a bit better now....

We ended up having a good day -- except of course for the point when she said that she was walking out the moment she turns 16 (which is the day she no longer HAS to do what the social workers want). So, at some point in the next few months I'm really going to have to hope we bond enough to be able to convince her that it's worthwhile to be in a family that cares about you. (It makes me wonder what our society was thinking when they decided that 16 year olds are mature enough to be on their own.) But, I probably can't worry about that issue yet.

A-15 moved in last week. She's balking a LOT at the fact that we want to spend time with her and want to know what's going on in her life.

We're trying hard to pull back and not ask much and to give her lots of space. But, we're just not okay with the idea of her "going out" and us not knowing where, with whom, etc.

On the one hand, I completely get that this isn't what she's used to and she has no reason to want to spend time with us. On the other hand, I'm not willing to be the kind of parent that she was removed from and isn't allowed to live with. It's a tough balance!

I'm spending a lot of time wondering why I WANTED to do this. I take a lot of deep breaths and remind myself that I CAN do this, but, why did I WANT to?

I know how to choose to treat someone with love regardless of how they respond to me and I don't expect her to suddenly like me. But, she wanted a family over a group home and we told her what that meant to us and now she seems shocked by it all. I really hope it's just adjusting and that things will improve. (If this is a "honeymoon" then I'm worried about the crash.)