Boy, did I ever need a break!

I haven't even been able to read or write on the topic.

I think part of it is that there's not much I can say that I'm allowed to say and the issues are extreme enough that I fear my anonymity would be lost were I to share actual details.

But, there's also an odd cycle of guilt and anger.

I do not think that we did anything wrong.
I do not think she could have survived long-term in our family regardless of when we'd learned what we learned.
I do think that we did everything we possibly could.
I do think that we have the ability to be successful foster parents.

but...

we did not reach her. And nobody else is likely to try again.

It's a sad way to begin this journey.

We've been thinking about when we'll be ready for another placement and what we're feeling ready to accept and there are some ideas that younger might be easier. But, I also think that we do have something to offer to a teen who is the right fit that won't necessarily be found elsewhere.

I'm wishing that my emotions could catch up to my logic.